One of These Mornings I'll be Dead
by CCWaT
Summary: Stella gets the results of her HIV test and must tell Mac. When she goes to a meeting for people with HIV, she makes a new friend. Minor spoilers for the whole HIV thing.
1. Chapter 1

Title: One of these mornings… I'll be dead  
Author: Lissy

As Stella woke up, a sunbeam fell on her face. She stood up and opened the window to let fresh air into her room. It was six o'clock, the first day after the weekend. She put on her clothes and went out of her apartment. Before she went to work, she looked in her post box. There was only one envelope in it, and it came from the St. Vincent's Hospital. She knew what it was: the result of her HIV test. She couldn't open it.

She went out of the house, straight to Starbucks for her daily coffee. As she arrived at the lab at 7 o'clock, she was the last one. They had a pretty difficult case about a man who had been found in Central Park without a head. And the head was still missing. The whole team worked in the lab, but Mac was in his office. She knew she had to tell him. As she opened the door, he looked up. "Hey, Stella, what's up?"

"Mac… the ten weeks are over. I got the letter this morning. I didn't open it, because I was not sure if I want to know this. So please open it."

She gave him the letter, and he told her to sit down. He went to his desk, looking for a knife to open the letter.

Meanwhile, Stella looked out of the window.

Mac opened the letter and read the text. His face said all. He was really shocked.

"Stel, please stay calm. It's not a drama…"

"Mac, what does it say inside? I'm HIV+, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are." He showed her the letter so that she could see it.

'They found antibodies in her blood', she read. That said all. She was HIV+. "Mac, I can't do this… I can't live with it. That's too much for me. I don't know how to tell the others… and I don't know how I can do my job well with this. The last ten weeks I've been working for 12 hours everyday to forget what happened. You said I'm strong, but I'm not. Last year the thing with Frankie, and now this. I know, lots of people are living with AIDS, but I can't. I don't know how to live with it, how to be myself with that."

She began to cry. It was too much for her.

Mac stood up from his chair went around the table and sat down next to Stella. "Stel, that's not the end of the world. You'll get the medicine to get AIDS later. We'll tell the team about it, and I promise they'll help you and not pity you. Believe me, please."

"I have to go to Sid. I must tell him that I got the result back and that I've tested positive. I gave him CPR so he has to take a test…"

"Stel, it can wait. The first thing you have to do is to go to the hospital to let them check. Go home, calm down and do your favourite thing. Think about it, call me or another friend and then come back, and we'll talk with the team, okay? Do everything, but don't hurt yourself (too much)."

As Stella walked out of this office, he realized what this diagnosis meant for Stella. He knew he had to be strong and show her the positive ways, but he knew it wouldn't be easy. It was a shock.

Meanwhile, Stella walked to the elevator to drive down to the autopsy to Sid. As she reached the room, she stood behind the door for a few minutes, not really knowing what to do or say.

Peyton opened the door and saw Stella crying. "Hey, Stel! What's up?"

"Nothing… I have to talk with Sid… alone."

"Ah… okay. Wait a minute, I'll go to him and tell him you wait here for him."

"Thanks, Peyton."

Stella sat down on a chair next to the door. A few seconds later, the door opened, and Sid came out. As he saw Stella crying, he knew she got the results back.

"Sid… I got my test today back. I'm HIV+. They found antibodies in my blood… and… and I want you take the test, too. Please. I want to be sure you didn't get it as I helped you. Please."

"Stella… come, stand up." He holds her in his arms, and she cried. All her fear, all the bad things… she knew she wasn't strong enough.

A few hours later:

Stella had decided to take a walk in Central Park. As she reached the playground, she saw all the happy children with their mums. She knew her wish to get a child was over. No man would sleep with a HIV+ woman. And she doesn't want to give her child the risk to be HIV+ from birth. It was a sunny day, and Stella took her jacket off. She saw the scar on her arm and the moment as the glass cut in her arm came back. Her whole life this scar would remind her of the worst day in her life.

In the lab:

The whole team was in the lab to collect every piece of evidence to complete the picture. Mac walked in. "Hey. Please stop your work and come with me in my office. I have something to tell to you."

All of them looked a little bit worried, but they quit their work and went to Mac's office.

"Every one of you knows Stella cut herself at the Emery Gable crime scene. Emery Gable was HIV+, and Stella took a test. She got the result today back. She has tested positive for antibodies. I want you to know that if something happens, you have to help her. And please treat her like the woman she was before this accident. That's important. Any questions?"

tbc.

**A/N: I've got six chapters for this story already written and plan to write about ten more. Just so you know, this was written before we found out she tested negative, not that it matters. Please tell me what you think so far. Thanks.**


	2. Chapter 2

Stella's Storyline: Chapter 2

Everyone in the room was shocked about what Mac had said a few minutes ago. Stella was a sensitive woman, and nobody knew how she would handle it.

Hawkes thought about the moment as they solved the Emery Gable case and the sister threw the chair through the window. How she ran away when she saw her blood. Now he knew why. She was in fear, she was scared.

His thoughts were interrupted by Mac's voice.

"I spoke to her ten weeks ago on an evening after work. She didn't tell me earlier because she thought she could handle it on her own. She said she was scared and didn't know how to live with it. And she thought she wasn't strong enough. But we have to show her the best way. We have to wait till she's back, but I think we should all talk with her together. And now if you don't have any questions, we have to work."

Everybody leaves the room, only Lindsay waits to talk with Mac alone. "Mac… I have something to say. I haven't known Stella very long, but I don't think she would like it that everybody knows about her illness and that she has to talk about it with everybody and have everybody look at her. I think it would be better if she talks to a woman. I know you're her friend, but sometimes it's easier to talk from woman to woman in some situations. I speak from experience."

"Let's see what Stella decides. I think she is coming in tomorrow, and we'll see what she wants. Okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

After her walk through the Central Park, Stella decided to follow Mac's advice and went to the hospital. As she arrives at the St. Vincent's Hospital, she has a bad feeling in her stomach. What would the doctor say? After waiting for an hour, Stella hears a voice calling her name.

"Ms. Bonasera, please."

Stella stood up and walked behind the nurse to the room with the number 4. A doctor expected her.

"Hello, Ms. Bonasera."

"Hi."

"How are you?"

"Not so good. I got this letter today. And now I want to know what to do."

A half hour later the doctor had examined her and talked about the results with her.

"You're results are ok, you have no signs of fever or anything else. But you have to take your medicine, and I recommend this group (he gave her a piece of paper which the name of the group) their meetings are every Monday and Wednesday. You don't have to go, but everyone there has the same problem, and it's important to talk about it, and they understand the fear, and they have tips for you. Maybe you'll find a friend. And don't say your name if you don't want to. And you can visit this website (he gave her another piece of paper) too is an online community with thousands of people with the same problem. They can recommend doctors or a treatment or say what you shouldn't do. And I want you come every four weeks to have yourself examined. It's important that we know what to do. Do you have any questions?"

"No, I don't think so. Thanks for everything." Stella gave the doctor her hand and went away. Today was Monday, it was 4 o'clock. At 8 o'clock, the group had their meeting. She decided to go. The idea that it could be a complete waste of time couldn't happen. She felt a little bit better now and took her cell phone out to phone Mac.

"Taylor?"

"Mac, it's me, Stella. I was at the doctors. He said it's all ok. But I think it's better if I stay home today. I need time to think about everything. I'll come to work tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah, sure. Can I do anything for you?"

"No, everything's ok, Mac. I wish you a good day."

"You, too, Stel. Bye."

"Bye." She knew he had talked to the team. But it didn't matter.

Lab:

After Stella's call, Mac walked to his team in the lab.

"Hey, guys. Stella called me a few minutes ago and said that she's ok and that she's not coming back to the lab today. I think we can quit at 7 o'clock and see what happens tomorrow. Ok?"

Everyone nodded so Mac went out to his office. He decided to visit Stella after work, not knowing he would stand in front of an empty apartment.

8 o'clock: "Living with HIV community"

Stella entered the room after waiting a few minutes in front of the door; she said to herself nothing will happen if she goes inside. Eight people looked at her as she shut the door.

"Hi."

"Hi."

Everybody smiled at her, and she found an empty chair on the right side next to a good looking guy. The woman three chairs away from Stella began to talk.

"I see you're new. Do you want start to talk or only listen first?"

"Mmh, don't know. I don't know what I can say. I would prefer listen to the others first, okay? Thanks."

Another woman started to talk. She was new too, and she talked about how she got HIV and her first thoughts. That sounded so similar to Stella. Everyone had this fear about living with AIDS. As the woman stopped talking, Stella said she thought she was ready to talk.

"I'm 34 years old. I work as a detective here in NYC. I got HIV as I collected some evidence at a crime scene. A bloody piece of glass broke and cut my arm. First, I didn't know that our victim was HIV+. So it was a shock. The weeks I waited till I got my test back were horrible. I searched on the internet for some information and yeah… now I have the result and don't know how I can tell my friends and colleagues. I think that's all for the beginning."

Stella felt so relieved to talk about it with people who had the same problem.

Meanwhile, Mac rang at Stella's door. She didn't open. He was sure she was at home and tried to call her but only her answering machine answered his call. He knew Stella for more than five years and hoped she wouldn't do anything stupid. He wrote a letter for her and stuck it to her door. Then he walked away.

An hour later, the meeting was over, and Stella rode home on the subway. She knew it was – it would – be good for her to go to this group, and she decided to go again on Wednesday.

Back home, she found a letter from Mac on her door. A little bit surprised, she opened her door, walked inside her apartment and sat down on her couch to open it. It was only a few sentences that Mac had written her, but she felt so good reading them.

Stella,

I was here to visit you, but you didn't open the door. I talked with the team today, and I thought you need a friend in the night. But I'm sure you made the right decision wherever you are now. Call me if you need something. I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

Mac

She made some tea, and then she went to bed. A new day was waiting for her tomorrow.

**A/N: tbc. Thank you all for reading. Please review. **


	3. Chapter 3

Stella's Storyline: Chapter 3

10:45am Lab (Tuesday):

Stella had arrived at the lab at 8 o'clock. Mac wasn't in his office; another detective had said he was in court, witness in a case they had a few weeks ago. She had decided to work, and nobody in the lab had talked to her about her result. She thought Mac had said this to them: his team. It was 10:45am now, and she saw Mac come through the door. She quit her work and went straight to Mac's office.

"Stel… hi." He gave her a big hug.

"Hi, Mac. Thanks for your letter yesterday. I was at a meeting with the people that have the same problem as me. The doctor advised me to go… and yeah… I felt a little bit relieved and better after talking there with the others."

"That's good, Stel, that's really good. I think you'll make it through. How do you feel today?"

"Don't know. I've had a little headache today, and when I woke up this morning, I felt a little bit dizzy. But now, it's a little bit better… you know… the first stage after being infected with the virus is headaches, dizziness, fever… and I hope I feel soon better. I've decided to go tomorrow again to the meeting. The woman who started to talk is new too… and she is the same as me… so I want to talk with her in the break. I remember her name is Petra Regina. And I thought about holidays. One or two weeks without work would be really good."

"No problem, Stella. If it is your wish, I'll see what I can do. Another question: Are you interested to interrogate the witness we found in our John Doe Case?" (man without head)

"Yes, of course. Why not?" She gave him a smile and went out of his office.

A few hours later, Stella had talked with the witness. He was no help; all he had seen they had already heard from other people before. She decided to take the rest of the day off and went home. Back home, she cooked her favourite meal and watched Gilmore Girls (or CSI NY ;) lol). The evening was long, and she thought about her time in the orphanage. A lot of the kids there were older than her. They had problems… and cut themselves on their wrists, arms or legs… She saw this very often. They had said this was a solution for their problems. She was sure there was no real solution for her problems.

The last time she had cut herself was when she did it in self-defence to escape from Frankie. Now she wants to do it. She went to her bathroom, looking for her razor to break the blade out. Sitting on her bed she began to cry. She knew it was wrong, what she had done, but she couldn't change it. How many times had she said to victims or other people she worked with that this is wrong? It didn't matter.

The first cut on her right arm hurt a little bit, but after a while, she felt nothing as she cut herself. Seeing herself bleeding scared her. What had she done? She ran to the bathroom and made a pressure bandage on her arm. She sat down, leaning on the side of her bathtub. After a while, it was too cold, and she went to bed. She fell into a deep and dreamless sleep and woke up as her alarm rang at 6am.

She ate something and then decided what to wear. She remembered the last evening… damn… it was a stupid mistake. She couldn't show it to the others… she doesn't want that them think she's was not strong enough… although they were right.

Carefully she narrows down her choices for a shirt: must be long sleeved to hide the cuts and cover up the other things on her body. _They have to know something. It's middle of May, warm outside, yet I'm wearing long sleeves_.

In the lab, she heard they solved the John Doe Case. In the evening, a little child found the head in the playground. First, they thought it was something to play with…but then their mummys realized what the girl had found. Next to the victim they had found a purse with the name Greg Iddon and a letter from his boyfriend… he had killed him because he slept with a woman. Really hard. They had no case so Stella quit in the evening to be on time for the meeting. She was not sure if it was good to talk about cutting herself… maybe the others would get bad thoughts. At work, nobody said something that she wore a long sleeved T-Shirt, so she could cover up her arms… good.

8pm (Wednesday): "Living with HIV community"

The first thing Stella saw as she entered the room was Petra Regina giving her a smile. She smiled back and sat next to her. There was a new woman today too; her name was Kayla. She looks so beautiful, Stella thought as Kayla talked. Brown hair, brown eyes and a good body. After an hour, they had a break.

Petra Regina began to talk.

"Hey, I don't remember your name… but you look like you need someone to talk to… I think we have a little bit the same past… you said you had a bad relationship a year ago? Me too. I'm divorced. Oh my good. I talk and talk and don't give you the chance to talk too. How do you feel?

"No problem. My name is Stella Bonasera. I feel bad this week. Did some stupid things (Petra Regina watched her long sleeved T-Shirt) and I think everybody looks at me like I'm a devil."

"I work as columnist for the New York Times… I wrote an article about AIDS and a few weeks later I got infected. I couldn't believe it at first… but then… you have to live with it. It's hard. But I think we can find a way. Did you cut yourself? It's hot outside… it's May, and you look like you did it. Am I right?"

"Yeah… I know it's a mistake. But I don't want my partner to think I'm too sensitive or anything else…"

Before Stella could say more, the leader on the group said the break is over.

After the meeting, the two women decided to meet the next day for lunch. Happy and a little bit better, Stella walked home. She knew she could not long cover up for Mac so she thought about what to do next…

**A/N: Please give me your opinion. I'm in the middle of studying for finals. I need something to cheer me up. Thanks.**


	4. Chapter 4

Stella's Storyline: Chapter 4

(Thursday)

Stella was on the way to work. In the subway, she remembered that she shouldn't forget the lunch this afternoon with Petra Regina. And she wanted to tell Mac what she had done two evenings before… he was her best friend and boss, and she could trust him, she knew that. She was not sure what he would say but she hoped he wouldn't be angry.

As she arrived at the lab, Lindsay told her they had a new case. This morning they found a dead girl in the garbage on Staten Island. All evidence they had found said her own father was her killer and had abused her but he was not at home. Cases like this made Stella angry. The parents abused their daughter instead of caring for her. She thought that some children in the orphanage had it better there than in their own homes.

The time till lunch flew by, and she finished her work to be on time. She wrote Mac a little note that it may be possible that she would come later than usual after lunch. Then she left the lab.

12:08pm: Restaurant

As Stella walked into the restaurant, she saw Petra Regina sitting at a table next to the window at the end of the room. She took her coat off and went straight to her.

"Hi ya. Nice to see you. Thanks for coming. How are you?"

"Oh good, thanks. I have only one hour. My boss said I have to write my story by tomorrow, and I'm still looking for information. It's about the new airplane A380. What have you been up to?"

"Nothing special. We have a new case at work very hard. But I'm not allowed to talk about it. Sorry. I think my boss would kill me if he knew my new friend works for a newspaper," Stella said with a smile.

"Yeah, sometimes it's difficult… What do you want to eat or drink?"

"Mmh… let me think. I'll drink a soda… and something vegetarian to eat. Rice with Indian vegetable sounds good."

"I'll have a mushroom pizza and drink a cola."

They ordered their food and a few minutes later they were eating.

"How long have you gone to the HIV group?"

"Not much longer than you. I was only there two more times than you. The first time I went everybody was so friendly to me and nobody forced me to do anything. You know, it's really hard to talk in front of so many people. The next time I was there I talked a little bit but not too much. The next week you were there for your first time so I thought it would help you if I tell the others more about me. Some things are too private… but we all have the same problems that connect us: to be HIV+.

"Sometimes I think about what I have done to deserve this? Was it because I broke up with my last boyfriend? That I had lied to my boss? Or anything else? And then I see other people who had had some more terrible things in their lives like Katrina or 9/11 and lost everything. In these moments, I know my life is shorter with HIV, but I have people who love me, and I can do everything I want. But let us change the subject… you said you wanted to tell me something. And I think we should talk about what you did on your arm."

"I don't know what I can really say. I grew up in an orphanage until I was 18. Then I did my training as a detective and yes… now I'm here. I work in a lab and all my colleagues are really good. My boss lost his wife at 9/11 and the immediate time after her death I was there for him. We're only best friends and never had a real relationship. Now, he has a girlfriend, her name is Peyton. She's our new pathologist. I think that's good for him, but I'm also a little bit jealous.

"And when I got my results back, he was there for me. But it was hard at first, and I didn't realize it. And last year, I had a really stupid relationship with a guy, his name was Frankie. First, it was great, the sex too. But then he forced me to do things I didn't want to do. After I broke up with him, I found a video on the internet. He had filmed us having sex. The next evening when I came home from work, he was in my apartment. He threatened me with a knife, hit me and abused me. I was sure he wanted to kill me but I escaped and shot him. And then, two evenings ago in my apartment everything came back and so I cut myself. I hoped I could relieve myself with that although I knew it was wrong. I hope I'll never do it again and want to tell my partner this evening. Sorry that I've told you so much about me."

"Hey, that's okay. I know it helps to talk about it all, sometimes to see another view. What do you think about going out this weekend? By then I'll be finished with my story and be free."

"Yeah, that's a good idea. I have to go too; I think my colleagues are waiting for me. I'll phone you tomorrow and tell you when I have time, okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

They gave each other a hug, paid for their lunch, and went to their work.

As Stella arrived at the lab, Mac called her in his office. "What's up Mac?"

"I hope you had an interesting lunch. We found the father of Emily. We found him in a bar next to his home, a little bit drunken and beating a woman. He denied everything. I don't know what we can do now. All the evidence we found says he's guilty. Now he wants a lawyer. We're still waiting for him to come."

"I want to talk to him."

"What?"

"The killer, Mac. Can I talk to him?" Stella lifted her head.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea," he said slowly.

"Please? I'll be careful, and there will be a uniform in there in case something goes wrong. I'll do everything in my power to arrest him. Please."

Mac nodded slowly, and Stella went out.

"Why did you kill her?" Stella entered the interrogation room, throwing a picture of the victim on the table in front of him.

"I didn't kill her."

"Then why did we find your sperm inside her?"

"I slept with her. So?"

"After you killed her." She watched him closely. "Why did you hit her?"

"I didn't touch her," he protested.

"But you just said you slept with her, contradicting your answer."

"Okay, maybe I did hit her."

"Why?"

"She didn't do what I told her to so I punished her."

"Let me get this straight: she was your slave?" Stella stared at him angrily.

"More or less," he shrugged.

"What did she do to deserve to be killed?" she yelled.

"She refused to sleep with me and threatened to tell the police."

"Women and children are not slaves. We're equal to men."

"Not in this world," he rolled his eyes.

"If you didn't need us for sex, you'd kill us all. That's all men ever think about!" she shouted in rage. "Does it please you to hit a woman or your own child?"

He stood when he turned her back. "Maybe it does."

She turned to face him, walking right up to him. "You sick - "

His fist connected with her shoulder. "I need to teach you a few lessons, Detective."

He threw her against the wall and she screamed. As she didn't stop, he bit her and threw her to the ground.

At this moment, Mac stepped in, stopping the man from hitting her again. "Are you okay?"

Stella nodded, tears still running from her eyes. "I'm fine. Lock him up."

As Mac helped her to stand up on her feet, her sleeve rolled up, and he saw the cuts on her right arm. He couldn't believe what Stella had done. "Come with me."

Without a word, Stella followed him to his office.

"What do you think they're doing in there?" Flack asked as all of them watched Mac's office from the break room.

Mac and Stella had gone into his office half an hour ago and drew the blinds. No one knew what they were doing.

"He's probably got her pinned to his desk, laying on top of her," Danny smiled.

"Danny Messer!" Lindsay yelled. "How can you think of that?"

"It's easy."

"It's disgusting to think of them that way."

Mac gently unbuttoned her sweater and peeled it back from her shoulder. He touched the bruise already there, and she pulled away. "Sorry. I don't think your collarbone is broken."

Stella buttoned her shirt back up.

"It still hurts."

"Yeah, I know. Stel, what do the cuts on your arm mean?"

"It's nothing."

"Um, I don't think so. Sweetheart, that's not a solution, believe me. Can I see them please?"

"No, Mac, it's nothing. It's not what you think. It's none of your business."

"Do you want to know what I think? I think you were looking for a solution and wanted to know how it feels. And you know what I'll do: You'll take two weeks off, you'll get paid, but I don't want to see you at work. And I also want you to go everyday from Monday – Friday in these two weeks to our psychologist, Sheila Heller. And then we'll see what she has to say. We've solved our case so it shouldn't be a problem for you. And I'll call Hawkes now to get him to look after your arm."

"No, Mac, please. Don't be so hard to me. I didn't do anything wrong."

Mac didn't want to hear what Stella had to say and called Hawkes. He was not there so he went with Stella downstairs to the autopsy room to Sid.

Stella said it didn't matter whether Sid or Peyton looked after her cuts. She had to do it and so…

As the reached the autopsy, Peyton was not there and Sid was on his late lunch break. Mac talked for a few minutes alone with Sid then they both came back to Stella.

"Lift up your sleeve, please," Sid said.

"Go away. I can handle it."

"Stella, please. I promise I won't hurt you. I just want to look at your cuts. I promise if they're not too deep, I'll sort it out on my own, and you won't have to go to a doctor or the hospital."

Stella rolled her sleeve up, showing him the cuts. "That's all. I did it only on the right side, because I was scared to do it on the left side. I don't know why. I think it was because I cut myself there on the Emery Gable crime scene."

Sid looked carefully at her cuts. "They're not very deep. If you don't do this again, I think your arm will be ok in a few days. You'll have a few scars, but I think they'll also go away."

"Can I go home now?" Stella asked the two guys.

"Yeah, sure. If you need help, call me. And don't forget to go everyday to Sheila," Mac said.

"No, I won't. Bye bye." She walked out and decided to go home.

**A/N: I'll post the next chapter Monday. Please review.**


	5. Chapter 5

Stella's Storyline: Chapter 5

On her way home, Stella saw a church. She couldn't remember when she had been last inside but now she wanted to go in. Sitting in the pew, Stella calmed down. After half an hour sitting there in the silence, she began to pray.

"_God… I know I haven't believed that you exist for the last few years. And I'm not really sure if you're here now or if I really believe now. The last time I was in church was when I was 18 after the time in the orphanage when I thought nobody could help me. But now I think the burden you gave me is too heavy. I can't do this alone. A few days ago I thought about killing myself. But I know that's wrong. And now I'm sitting here… without a solution."_

Stella didn't realise that she said the last sentence out loud. She didn't see the father who was standing behind her.

As he began to speak, Stella stood up. "Can I help you?"

"Umm… no. I don't think so. Sorry for being here. I have to go."

As soon as Stella could, she went out of the church. She didn't feel much better, maybe a little but she thought it was a mistake to go in there. In a rush, she went home. She couldn't wait till Monday to see the others from the group again. Tomorrow was Friday, and she thought what she could do. It was 7pm now, and she decided to phone Petra Regina. After a few seconds, her phone call was answered by her answering machine:

"_Hi, this is Petra Regina. I'm not in right now so after the tone leave your message and number and I'll call you back as soon as I can. Thanks."_

"Hey, it's me, Stella. I thought about what you said about our date. Do you think Saturday at 9pm in Joe's Cocktail Bar is okay? I think we have lot of things to talk about. Please call me at home. Bye."

Stella hoped Petra Regina would find some time soon. After her call, she looked into her CDs and found a CD by Akon. As she read the titles she remembered his last big hit "Lonely". Yeah, she was lonely, and so she played that song the whole evening.

1pm (Friday):

Stella couldn't remember when she had slept so long the last time. She had watched 10 Episodes of Desperate Housewives, and after that she went to bed.

As she went into her kitchen, she sat the red light on her answering machine. She pressed the button.

"_You have 1 new message. First new message: Hey__, Stella, it's me, Petra Regina. I think it's good tomorrow. I'll be there. If you need to, call me back. Bye."_

A little bit relieved, Stella made herself breakfast. She shouldn't forget to go to Sheila today, but she had time. She knew she was in the office till 8pm and so she could do what she wanted the whole day. She decided to do something that she hadn't done for a very long time: To take the Staten Island Ferry to Staten Island and enjoy the beautiful Skyline from Manhattan.

Saturday 9pm: Joe's Cocktail Bar

Yesterday was really good till Mac had called her at 10pm and said she had missed her appointment in Sheila's office. She had totally forgotten to go there but Mac didn't believe her and was really angry. So she had to go on Monday at 8am for one hour, and after that she had to go to him to talk with him and the team. He said he had found a solution. Oh really… funny.

As she looked into Joe's Cocktail Bar, she saw she was the first one there. She found an empty table and ordered herself a martini.

At 9:15, Petra Regina came through the door. "Sorry that I'm late. The engine of my car is damaged and so I had to come on the bus."

"Nothing happened. So enjoy the evening," Stella said with a smile.

A few martinis later, Stella had told Petra Regina what happened since their last meeting and asked her an important question:

"How did you get HIV?"

"Oh I'm a little bit surprised you've ask me that. But it's your right and I think… it's a long story. Like I said in our last meeting, I broke up with my boyfriend. I didn't love him really, and I thought there was no point in keeping this relationship. After that, I had a big fight with my mum. She thought that breaking up was a big mistake. He was a good guy… I went to a bar… drank too much and had a one-night-stand with a guy I didn't even know the name of. A few days later, I realized what I had done and went to a doctor to see if there was anything wrong. He did a HIV test. And then I got the result back. And now… I can't go back and change anything. Maybe it's good… maybe not. But I think it's harder like you got it. You were innocent. And I got it because I wanted to live for the moment. And now…"

"Hey, it's okay. I think it's not your fault. The guy should have said to you he's HIV+. If he knew about it. I think you did not really make a mistake. Damn. Sorry. I don't know what I can really say. You always you helped me and showed me the positive things, and now you give me the answer for a very important question I asked you, and I look like a dog in the rain. Sorry."

"Hey, that's okay. I think sometimes we just… should think about things we talk about. It's 1:30 now… what do you think about going home?"

"Yeah, I think that's good. I'll take you in my car, okay?"

"Thanks."

Half an hour later, both women were at home and went to bed.

**A/N: I've only got one more chapter of this typed but plan to write more. Please send more reviews.**


	6. Chapter 6

Stella's Storyline: Chapter 6

Sunday 2pm:

On Sunday, nothing spectacular happened. Stella slept long and watched TV the whole day, thinking about the last evening with Petra Regina. She was not sure what she could say on Monday to her or if she was again interested in a date. The next important thing was her meeting with Sheila…

Monday 8am: Sheila's Office

"Stella, you know why you're here. Mac thinks you're not good or strong enough now since you got the result. You cut yourself, provoked a man in the interrogation room till he hit you, and then you don't talk to anybody. I know what happened is hard for you but do you think it's going to be better when you hurt yourself?"

"Um… no. I'm not really sure why I did it. I thought it would help me to live with the other little things in life. And I saw a lot of other people before who did this… So… yeah. It's just… last year the thing with Frankie. Now one mistake that changed my life… and I don't know what the next time is bringing. I had a bad childhood and a lot of people hate me because I arrested them. But I think talking about everything could help. And I promise never to do this again."

"Stella, that's all really good but my senses tell me there's more. Something else that you think about."

"No, there's not. Everything is fine."

"Maybe you'll tell it to me tomorrow. Our hour is over now. But I should remind you to go to Mac after our appointment. I wish you a good day, bye."

"Bye… till tomorrow."

Stella walked out of her office, relieved it was over for today. She would never show her her arms or tell her what she really thought about everything. Nobody could help her. As she stepped into the elevator, some tears escaped her eyes and fell down on her sweater. With a fast move, she cleared her face and pushed the button for the 12th floor.

As the doors opened with a "bing", she walked out of the elevator and saw the whole team sitting in Mac's office.

'Maybe it is because they have a new case', Stella thought.

Not really…. She was right. As she opened the door to Mac's office, everybody looked at her.

"Hey, Stella. How are you? How was your appointment in Sheila's office?" Mac asked her.

"Um… good… thanks. Why is everybody sitting here?"

"You know… the first day after you result I told them what's going on. And now we thought it would be good to talk together about the next time."

"I don't want to do this. Please leave me alone."

"Stel, I wish I could be the one who was at the Emery Gable crime scene that day, and my arm had been the one which was cut. I have no boyfriend, and I think you're a tough and strong woman who didn't deserve anything like that. But please be strong and don't go into a dark hole and think that's the solution," Lindsay said to her.

"I know all of you want only the best for me but I don't need your advice. Like I said a few minutes ago, leave me alone, and please go outside. I want to talk with Mac alone."

They saw they couldn't change her mind and so they left the room to let Stella be with Mac alone. After they had closed the door, Stella yelled at Mac:

"I thought I could trust you. It doesn't bother me that you told them what's going on after I got my result. I don't want them to see me as a risk. But now when I do something that disturbs you, you think I need their help. Please leave me alone. There was a time in my life when I hoped you would let me in. After Claire died or last year the thing with Frankie as you refused me. Do you really think that was easy? I can't change it, so don't bother about my life."

Before Mac could say anything, Stella was gone. He knew she didn't ask for help because she didn't want anybody to see that she is a little bit helpless sometimes. He remembered the case with the shoplifter, and he saw how she gave the woman her card. Women who were abused by their husbands or children were very important to her. He knew she had her own opinions, and she wouldn't be swayed. He decided to talk this evening to Sheila and call Stella tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Stella was at home and had a shower. She was never angry like this before with Mac. It was afternoon now and only a few hours till the group had their meeting. She hoped to meet Petra Regina there to apologize about asking about her past. The time flew by and Stella walked out of her flat.

As she reached the building to be on time for the meeting, she couldn't see Petra Regina's car. Oh no, that was not good. She went in, but she was not there. She saw they had a new member. It didn't surprise her.

In the break, she talked to Jan, the leader of the group.

"Did you hear anything from Petra Regina? I miss her today…," Stella said.

"No. But you know you don't have to come if you don't want. And I think, maybe she's done something else today, or she has something to do at work."

"Yeah. Thanks. I only thought that it is possible…"

"I know. No problem. But if I hear something, I'll tell you. Okay?"

"Thank you."

With a smile, Stella walked back to the others. After the break, Kayla talked at first. It was her second time there, and she didn't look like she trusted other people. After she had finished, Stella began to talk.

"I don't know if I've told you all before that I'm going to tell you now, but I have the need to say it now. Last year, I had a really bad relationship with a guy. His name was Frankie. He threatened me and abused me. One day he said he would kill me. I had broken up our relationship a few days before because I found a video on the internet showing us having sex. He didn't give me the chance to call for help or anything else so I killed him in self – defence. I work as a detective and so I have a gun. The time after that was awful. My work partner forced me to remember everything. It was not as if Frankie had raped me. He didn't but every time we got a case about women who had had the same experience and didn't survive it brought everything back to me. Then at a point when I thought everything was going to be okay we had a case with a man who was HIV+. We didn't know that at the time we collected the evidence at the crime scene. I was alone there and a very big piece of glass broke and cut me in my arm. A few weeks later, I got my result back. I was not sure if I could work on with HIV but my partner said it's okay, I only have to be very careful with everything. At first, it was okay, and I didn't realise what it meant for my life. Another woman here, Petra Regina – she's not here today – who I met here is my new friend. I talked to her about everything, and it helped me a lot. Then, one evening at home as I thought the burden was too heavy, I cut myself with a razor blade on my arm. That was before I came here. I know it was wrong but I don't know why I have the need to do it again. Everybody wants to help me, but I want to do it on my own. I…"

Stella couldn't talk any more and began to cry. The leader of the group came to her and gave her a tissue.

After a while, Stella felt better and decided to go. She heard someone talking far away but it didn't bother her.

At home, she made herself a tea and went to bed. What would the next day bring for her?

**A/N: Right now I have to study for fianls. After they're finished in two weeks, I'll type the rest of this story. Thanks.**


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